Funny excerpts from letters to government agencies-author unknown
- Dear Sirs, please stop my assistance since I got a job begging in October
- I am writing the Welfare Dept. to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
- Mrs. Jones has not had any clothing for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
- I cannot get sick pay. I have had 6 children. Can you tell me why?
- I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.
- This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?
- Please find for certain if my husband is dead, as the man I am living with can’t do a thing until he knows.
- I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my boy as illiterate. This is a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.
- In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
- I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.
- Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
- My husband got laid off from his job 2 weeks ago, and I haven’t had any relief since.
- You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?
- I have no children yet as my husband is a bus driver and works night and day.
- In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
- I want my money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with a doctor for 2 weeks and he hasn’t done me any good. If things don’t improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
- (In response to the question, “Why have you applied for public assistance?”) My husband left me last month and I am in need of ass
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One Liners
- Does your stream of consciousness have any fish in it?
- I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public
- I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
- It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
- I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of it.
- You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
- I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
- What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
- Do I look like a people person?
- You! Off my planet!
- Does your train of thought have a caboose?
- I am a PBS mind in an MTV world.
- Can I trade this job for what’s behind door Number 1?
- How do I set a laser printer on “stun”?
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